My life... My anxiety

Hey guys its Becky, sorry i havn't posted in a while. This blog post isn’t going to be like all the others, I am not usually very good at talking about my feelings, I find it really hard to explain my feelings and emotions so if some of this doesn’t make any sense just try and bare with me I will try my best.

Have you guys ever felt alone? Unwanted? Or like a prisoner in your own body? These feelings aren’t the best feelings in the world but they are feelings I am forced to deal with on an everyday basis.

I feel that most of my child hood and especially my teenage years have been taken away from me due to something called anxiety. Anxiety is something that many people in this world have to deal with and its not the best feeling in the world and its pretty hard to explain.

Most people compare anxiety to fear but everyone with anxiety knows that it is nothing like fear. If you have a fear of heights then you just go to the top of a really tall building and look down a few times to help over come your fear. However with anxiety no matter how many times you go up to the top of the building and look down the feeling will never go away. Anxiety isn’t fear its something completely different in my mind its a lot worse than fear.

If you have anxiety you will understand that whatever you are doing whoever you are with you always feel that your alone and have no one to talk to. You always feel like whatever you do whatever you think it’s not going to get better and that’s really terrifying.

For me I had mild anxiety as a child but I just assumed that I was a wimp I didn’t want to leave my comfort zone and  I didn’t like change at all. However when my mum was diagnosed some sort of trigger went off in  my head and it suddenly became worse, I struggled almost every day to get out of bed, I didn’t want to go to school because I felt like I didn’t belong, everyone has to put up with those people who look down on them and think they some kind of geek or weirdo and everyone has people that don’t like them, however for me it felt like everyone felt this way towards me, I felt like everything I did people would judge me and i became self conscious which made my anxiety ten times worse.

Anxiety is classed as a mental illness and when people find out you have a mental illness they think that you are not normal and judge you, which doesn’t help me at all. My anxiety triggered multiple panic attacks during school and for my friends and class mates it must have been a bit weird for them as they are not used to that sort of thing. I started having symptoms of a panic attack in an English lesson once and what didn’t help my situation was the fact that i felt like everyone was staring at me and judging me which made it worse, luckily my teacher knew about my anxiety and dismissed me from the class so I could calm myself down.

I didn’t go to my mum straight away because I didn’t want her to worry about me as she had her own illness to cope with and I didn’t really want to accept the fact that I had a problem. However telling someone about it helped a lot. By informing my school I felt that I wouldn’t have to suffer alone. School was the toughest place and well to be honest it still is. I am going into year 11 very soon which is a very important year for me and I find myself stressing out all the time about how much work I have, all of my course work and exams and at school having those ‘people’ that make you feel like dirt (yeah as you can tell makes me feel a lot better). However having someone every hour of the day to talk to whether thats a teacher or a member of staff  at school or my parents whilst at home helps a lot, I feel less alone.

The best thing for me is to feel like a part of something whether thats spending time with friends in my free time and getting invited somewhere because it makes me feel wanted. This is why I started this, this is why I started my blog. With this I can connect with people I don’t even know, I can share my feelings and my thoughts, I can share everything about myself through my keyboard. And people can connect, it’s a good feeling. Because when you have a voice and you want to speak out and you know that there is someone out there reading it is an amazing feeling and I no longer feel alone..

Stay positive, know you’re not alone and realise that there is someone out there...

Love you guys